Threesomes were never on a bucket list or a hidden fantasy in my life as I explored sexuality. They did, though, find me along the life path both personally as well as professionally. I find great passion in taking this sometimes, out of reach fantasy, and making it more accessible, intimate and heartful for anyone wanting to create deeper human connection through this erotic and passionate exploration of their sexuality.
While I have learned threesomes aren’t for everyone, it is an absolute joy to facilitate a successful, enjoyable, and potentially life altering 3-way for others that are ready. Heck, I actually met both my present day partner and past partner through group scenes.
I’ll begin with the story of 3 people coming together in a serendipitous moment in late 2017 when I was spending my summer in Vancouver, Canada. In retrospect, I feel the universe was aligned so perfectly with set events, which led to a meeting between two extraordinary human beings and myself. The love and connection I witnessed between the two were exquisitely sweet. Over a conversation, I would soon learn that this happy couple had a desire to explore their love and passions with a threesome dynamic.
I have spoken with many people who have this desire to explore something new like a threesome and often feel emotionally unsafe, and uncertain where to even start or approach the idea. I see it that they simply have not been introduced to the “how-to” of creating a successful 3-way both logistically and emotionally. I have a strong passion for showing people that there is a life-affirming way that is meticulous in caring for all involved as a way to create more pleasure. This can create even more of a bond between them and a transformation to bridge human connection in a very playful, erotic, passionate, fun, soulful way if emotionally stable and prepared.
To have an erotic, sexy, and drama-free threesome, it is imperative to take steps in preparing and building more awareness before entering the playground.
There I was, like a perfectly orchestrated moment. Sometimes some amazing things come out of a threesome. :)
As I fondly remember greeting them upon their arrival at my home, it sparks a smile upon my face. This gorgeous blond woman confidently walks up to me, and without hesitation, her lips soon touched mine. Alongside was this gentle spirit and a soft-spoken British gentleman who shortly after shared a sweet embrace.
Conversation flowed with ease, there was an instant kindred between us as if we had known each other for lifetimes. I felt such a profound honor to have been invited into co-creating this sacred rite. To feel their trust, curiosity, and authentic welcome to witness the love they shared. I spent the day creating the environment. Adorning the rooms with candles, incense, soft blankets, and fine foods. I prepared my internal environment in prayer and meditation so that I may meet them with absolute presence.
I remember her capacity to witness her partner in his pleasure and joy. No space for jealousy or ownership was present. We were creating a sacred passage together and one which would offer something unforeseen in the future.
Threesomes may offer many pleasurable magical moments, however, this threesome was a door opening to our unique way of living, relationship and exploring life the way we desired. It was an experience where each one of us discovered so much about ourselves, where we hold back, have certain feelings come up, new desires arise. Threesomes have the potential to open doors to learning more about another human, to witness yourself and them in a new light, to allow old shames to be transformed into magnificent self-expression.
I believe awareness, mindfulness, emotional responsibility, and clear intent are all keys to creating successful and highly erotic threesomes.
I remember the 75-year young couple who had it on their bucket list. The couple were teen sweethearts and had cultivated such a loving, passionate relationship. When we met, we began by sitting down, learning about what they desired from having such an experience, and what was their intention. As the conversation expanded, we talked about any fears, concerns, and desires in full detail. We created safe words and made sure everyone involved knew at any time if emotions began to arise that were disheartening, there was a blanket agreement everyone would pause, and communicate share what is occurring, what is one needing or desiring differently.
This couple took their relationship to a whole new level of intimacy and bonding. It does not mean there weren’t awkward moments however they had a willingness to learn through them. By adding “the right” people to the mix of play, it created a field to see their partner in a new way, expressed possibly in ways they had never seen before. I believe each person’s unique relationship to their sexuality inspires something new and different to come alive in us. Have you ever noticed how you act, express, and feel with different people generally?
Steps to Create A Successful Threesome:
You want to make sure all people who will be involved with this threesome adventure are a HELL YES, they are excited. I would suggest where possible have a “no sex” date before get to know and build more of a connection and chemistry. It provides, at times, for an emotionally safer space
Be clear on your individual intention, and if a couple, what your shared reasons are as a couple. When planning a threesome, ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you really want to do this for yourself and not to keep your partner happy.
Questions to ask:
Do you want to ravish or enjoy the experience of seducing as a couple?
Do you want to see your partner loved and adored by someone else?
How much do you want to be involved with touch, kissing, sexual intercourse, oral sex or are you more wanting to watch and just be sensually engaged?
Be concise in your language and talk about this with your partner before going into the threesome experience. Talking first creates an emotionally transparent platform that feels safe and allow for much more fun and play after.
Discuss fears, concerns, and desires. Part of this is a continuation of number one with your sexual desires. You may think talking about what one is concerned about kills the mood; however, talking about fears and concerns prior to the bedroom takes their charge away and allows pleasure to be the focus later on. I have found myself feeling entirely free just by being open and honest. Any communication share has a quality of compassion, attentive listening, and presence, so you feel more at ease and have room for even more pleasure and expression when the threesome happens. We all have fears or stories that get stuck in our minds, like fear of being left out, looking foolish, doing something wrong, etc. Vulnerability is super sexy so talk talk talk. :)
Set up the discussion in a dyad format. One person speaks at a time, this is sharing rather than conversational. Ask, “Tell me about your concerns or fears relating to having a threesome.” Sit back and listen. Once the person sharing is complete, change roles and ask the questions to the other person. Once finished, you may want to request “Tell me more” if something your partner was expressing was unclear or having more details may assist in more comfort and openness.
Threesome partners? Go into this only with emotionally mature people and make sure you have dialed in your E.Q. It is entirely human for feelings to arise, that is not a bad thing. Be prepared for the passion, erotics, and also for any opinions that arise when you open up the floodgates of sexual appetites. Create an agreement that feelings and needs have room to be discussed and voiced during the playtime. Make requests in your “sexy voice”.
Boundaries and Agreements. What are the guidelines on this playing field? What are you a yes or a no to kissing: How intimate will you get? Touch: How do you want to be touched? Oral sex: No oral sex, condoms, etc.?. Again, this is important to discuss prior so all players may be successful on the field. It does not mean these are set in stone, they are guidelines. As the game heats up, if any of you begin to have different desires or a change of heart, make sure to pause and check-in before acting. A break is good to slow down, is excellent foreplay, time to breathe, and after jump back into the playing field.
Establish safe words so that everyone has an easy way of opting out of an act or stopping the threesome altogether if the need arises.
Consent before and during. Remember to use your voice before and during sex play. Check in with each other periodically. I always like to be aware of all 3 players and do my best that I am touching the other two in some way all of the time: Mindful of inclusion.
Strong and healthy relationships Only! Couples only enter into threesomes when your relationship is strong and healthy. This is something that will enhance your connection. You may find joy in witnessing your partner in their pleasure and sharing it with another.
Communicate, communicate, communicate before, during, and after the threesome.
I know it might seem like work to go through all these steps; however, I have found it strongly helps expand the bond of intimacy between the individuals choosing to have a threesome. I believe we want to leave people better than before we met them.
Having a threesome can be a soulful art from beginning to end. A potent way of building human connections beyond what we would even fathom before the experience. In my opinion it is an erotically choreographed dance for body, breath, and spirit weaving together quite magically when we are prepared with a degree of awareness and mindfulness.
When I am either helping others navigate successful threesomes or during my personal ones, the common thread has been a desire to share pleasure together, see where our relationships may expand, to share in an environment where everyone felt seen, heard, and safe.
Be ready to laugh at yourself, and not be so serious in the bedroom. Sex itself can be quite humorous. As awkward as two bodies can be at times learning about one another, a third or more is exponentially trickier even with all the pleasure.
While threesomes are not for everyone, my intention is to shed light on them in a more “normal” way rather than an out of reach, sinful experience or hedonism. Keeping our minds open like a parachute allows for more compassion in the diverse sexual choices we make.
Have you been playing with the idea of a threesome, have concerns, fears or even judgements?
Rather than a severe 3-way crash, you want to celebrate your love for your partner with another, create erotic sacred rites of passage, and add something new into your playtime that includes clear communication, confidence, and presence.
