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What to Do When Your Sexual Expectations Fail You?

Updated: Nov 3, 2023

Sexy Mature White Woman leaning on bed wearing white panty and bra.

Where do your self-expectations and agenda in the bedroom interfere with experiencing the intimacy you desire?

Imagine you’re on a date with your lover, your mind is racing with ideas of how you want the night to be, how you are going to be that wild, passionate man which includes getting an erection, staying erect, making sure you please her and having the most powerful ejaculation of a lifetime! But… what if now that your mind is so busy, your parts just won’t comply?

In this moment your heart sinks, worry increases and you feel the stressful disconnection of heaviness taking over.

Does this sound familiar?

I have been in the presence of many men in this situation. Men, what I am finding being uncovered is a strong fear of being vulnerable.

You may have felt the same desire to be held, to be nurtured, to be embraced as well. You may have felt that you simply wanted to be YOU, without performing or expectations but were uncertain how to do this or fearful that your partner or date would run away.

I remember in my early twenties of being exactly in this place. My target was making sure I got the attention. In the meantime allowing those, I was with to do what they desire to me, even if it didn't feel good, because I felt this would make them want me more.

However, in truth it meant losing myself, feeling disconnected with my own body, stuffing down my feelings and creating such separation and loneliness.

This was when I said enough was enough!

Women, these men desire to feel your presence as an empowered woman, your gentle caring caresses as an embodied woman! They want to touch your soul and have you touch theirs. But somewhere along the way both men and women picked up a preconceived idea of what this means. That preconceived idea is so far from the truth.

The manic minds, which hide the depth of vulnerable intimacy you truly crave, take over. This same mind, with all its expectations, creates the symptoms of erectile dysfunction.

Women, the same stressed out mind will have you thinking how you must achieve that orgasm to really be a woman. In the end, you become so disconnected from your feeling body, your nervous system is holding on so tightly that nothing can come in the midst of all this contraction.

You might of felt end this vicious cycle and yearn for more in your sexual connections. , but turn to porn because you don’t know another way to find the right stimulation that you can get off to. All along you feel nervous about going inwards and feeling more.

Sound familiar?

This isn't a judgement against porn. This is more so an awareness of what we use to escape.

We live in a culture where people are constantly turning to something outside themselves to fix what’s wrong. These fixes work like drugs: they keep the manic mind in control, the fear lodged in and the intimacy at bay.

What if you took one small step to turn this around?

As someone in the field of intimacy, I have seen again and again that even a small step has a way of tricking the mind’s tight fearful grip and letting the body feel safe for a moment. In that sacred moment, there is an opportunity for a whole new pathway to open up.

I shared this with a client last week… I asked, “What if there was nothing to attain? What if there was no longer an idea of what sex was supposed to look like, or sound like, or feel like?

“What if you’re only intention was to be more present to what was happening in the moment?”

What if — by pausing, allowing in a couple of breaths, and focusing on what is happening inside your body — you could really deepen the pleasure and intimacy you feel? When you get here, the need for erection, ejaculation, and penetration is eased, and you fall back into your joy, sharing intimacy, connection, and pleasure in a different way.

I have witnessed couples, men, and women with sexual dysfunction recognize where their expectations of themselves and the goals they have set destroyed any chance at experiencing the depth of intimacy they yearn for.

I have seen the bravest of these people choose something different by turning inside to explore what their manic, goal-focused minds may have been hiding from them.

5 Simple Practices to Help Ease Sexual Performance Anxiety

  1. Whether alone or with your partner, create a safe environment where you can be present and deeply listen to those old hidden parts of yourself with undivided attention. You may want to have a professional help you with this process.

  2. In the midst of sexual frustration when things aren’t working as you had wanted, pause, close your eyes, start to bring your awareness to your breath. Maybe put your hands on your lower belly or your genitals and say to yourself “I let go of goals and expectations. It is ok to relax and enjoy this moment. I am perfect as I am now.”

  3. When you are relaxed, ask yourself and observe your physical body. “What do I find joyful in this moment, what feels good to me right now?” Be present and observe; your body will answer you physically. Often you will feel your body relax, you will feel certain pleasurable sensations in your body. If you’re with a partner, you will feel that their presence and touch feel good on your skin.

  4. Now you are present, you are able to enjoy this moment versus thinking it is supposed to be something else. When we think an experience has to be a certain way, we create separation between ourselves and the experience as it happens, and we miss out on the pleasure and intimacy that is there to be shared and felt.

  5. If you’re with a partner, you can now begin to share what does feel good. Let’s caress each other, let’s spoon and breath body to body, let’s sit on top and the other in a chair or Indian style, while naked, skin to skin, breathe, play with soft penetration if that naturally follows.

Be aware when you are caught up with a mind filled with expectations on yourself or another.

Maybe you have an agenda of what you want your partner to feel, how you want an explosive orgasm and that you are determined to reach it yourself. Getting so caught up in these thoughts deters you from really feeling the profound nature of pleasure, intimacy and experience a more connected sexual experience.

Commit to put down the attachment to the outcome and rather inquire what feels pleasurable and what awakens intimacy in the moment.

Does this sound all too familiar? Let’s take that one small step together!

[If you enjoy reading my musings, I'm sure you would find my personality even more delightful in person - let's plan a date! I am passport ready for you!]

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