The truth is I don’t always want to be touched, kissed, or actively share affection with a lover.
Seriously, someday’s, I wake up, and I desire to have a day in silence, just with myself exploring, turning my attention and energy inwards. I don’t want to be touched or to touch. I don’t desire to have to engage or feel obligated to affirm that “I care about a lover”.
However, in truth in healthy separation, there remains so much love and care.
Have you had days like this? I know it can feel frustrating, even downright scary, or agitating to the nervous system of both parties, depending on the emotional and psychological states at the time.
If you have ever lived with your partner, lover, or been in a long-term relationship, you likely can relate.
What is magical and may blow your mind is that when we listen to our body speak (its language is sensation/feeling), take such intimate time with ourselves to this degree and honor when we don’t want to kiss, touch, or be affectionate, we feel more love, have more desire and capacity for intimacy with our lover. We have more love to share.
Strange right?! Well, not really from my perspective.
I find it can be so easy to go unconsciously or consciously into the patterns of obligation. If I don’t do this, they won’t love me. Or I don’t want to hurt their feelings or deal with the emotional upsets which may come with me saying No! Arghhh! I know it can feel frustrating.
There are so many stories shadowing our ideas of what it means to love and care. The resistance, the story, the doing – what your body is saying No to only adds to the agitation. Trust me; your lover will also feel this even if the words are unspoken. You are leaving them even more confused.
It becomes like a massive ball of pressure building up, which takes away from that stillness, quiet, the self- intimate day your whole body, mind, and spirit may be craving.
So what to do? Here are some of my favorite go-to steps when communicating my needs for having my own time. Try on what feels right for you.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate in a life-giving way if possible before you go into this quiet place. What this means is to be accountable and compassionate. If you wake up not wanting to be affectionate, your body is saying no to touch, and you want to turn your energy inward, share this with your partner sooner than later.
For example, “I feel so much joy in the quality time we have been sharing, and I appreciate your desire to share affection with me. Today I need to have a day with myself, I do not desire to share touch, and I love you so much. A day to myself without talking or being together would nourish me and allow me to focus on my creative projects today. I would love to set up a special rendezvous “pick the date” on another day. Would you be open to creating this with me?
What I have done in this communication are a few simple steps:
I used affirmative language (accountable & compassionate)
I was accountable for my feelings and needs
I started with what I love and appreciate about them and the relationship
I shared my need and my why in a loving manner
I closed affirming I would like to share an intimate rendezvous with them once I feel charged.
All this could take place in under 15 minutes when done compassionately, clearly, and when both people are emotionally responsible.
Practice asking before touching. Create a date activity where you ask to touch, or even practice asking to hug friends and loved ones rather than assuming everyone wants to be touched all of the time. In this actively explore saying no and saying yes.
I know in my “positive” outlook in life, I have overlooked this and assumed everyone wanted to hug all the time. Hugging is good; why not?!
Years ago, that changed for me when I was called out on it by a colleague/friend. When I walked up wide open arms and big smiles that kindly put their hand up and said, “I don’t want to be touched today.”
I paused and felt so much compassion and, to be honest, a bit embarrassed that I overlooked even asking.
Now I ask, “Would you like to share a hug?” and my heart is open to receiving either a yes or a no.
Nothing is Personal! When we can love, truly love. Be accountable for ourselves, showing up self-sourced, really seeing that our lovers & loved one's needs or desires or actions are all based on what is happening inside of them, not us. Relating like this is BIG LOVE! The embracing of our loved ones taking care of themselves helps the relationship grows beyond agenda/expectations and into what I would call a Spiritual Experience. I will be writing more on that at another time.
I do believe in the importance of harnessing our sexual energy and energy in general. Turning inwards away from the doing and getting quiet supports recharging our creative energy, it takes turning inward sometimes, which is often overlooked in relationships where we share so much time and space.
I am so passionate about sharing these practices with you. We all long for intimate connection, to be seen and heard.
And sometimes don’t want to be affectionate or touchy.
Yet feel the pressure to do it anyway.
When you give yourself the space to feel and listen to what your body is needing, it creates more capacity to feel love because you are getting to know yourself and share your most profound truths with your beloved. Overall taking away the pressure, the stress, the obligation, and leaves space for real authentic intimacy.